Well, last night, we all went on an adventure. We started off near Duryard, & finished near Lafrowda. It was quite fun.

It was dark though, & I think that only Rob has worked out that I can't see AT ALL in the dark. Finding steps is SUCH a mission. If it's not somewhere I walk regularly, I tend to fall over my own feet, over steps, or into bushes - & yes, I AM DISABLED, but hey. Everyone makes such a big thing of it, but then no-one really actually helps me when I need it. I even have to have an incident form in the library, because I fell down the stairs, because I couldn't see them. That's probably where most of my bruises are from. I've burnt my feet 3 times this week making coffee, because I can't see the cup, & pour water in the wrong place. YES - it is THAT bad....

I've taken 5 beta blockers in the past 2 days - probably not good going, as the most I'm allowed to take in 2 days is 6. I'll probably also take another one before I go to bed, as I don't really want to be waking up with a panic attack. At the moment, the only way to go seems to be to block stuff out. I'm not even feeling the depression that much, I don't think, but blocking stuff seems to be good...

Blocking stuff seems to be especially good when it comes to the fact that I can't see. I try to kind of ignore it or laugh at it, even though I'm really scared & it really hurts...I can't even go near really bright lights any more, because they give me migranes...I also don't know whether I'm going to lose my sight altogether or not...What am I going to do if that happens? I want to be a teacher, & I'm not sure that anyone in their right mind would employ me to teach secondary school if I can't see. Also, how am I going to live on my own? I find it hard enough now...Burning my feet 3 times in a week isn't really something to be laughed at...What do I do if I drop a hot pan on my feet...I don't think I'd escape with scalds then. I'm also scared about crossing roads. I hardly use my eyes at all to do that any more, because I just cannot see what's going on. I use my ears instead, but there are so many different types of engines that I find it really hard to tell how far away a car is, or how fast it's going. I don't want to be using stuff that screams "I'm disabled!" but I'm not sure how to be safe if I don't...

The only places I actually cope well with going to are going to campus & maybe the Chaplaincy, because I do it a lot. If I'm going to other places, I get really scared, & don't do too well with roads & stuff. I also tend to fall down/up steps in new/strange places. It's so frustrating, because I can't do anything about it, & the "I'm disabled" thing is kind of a joke, & it seems that people forget that I actually do have huge problems with some things. It seems to be that people see that I try to get on with my life & do "normal" stuff, so therefore I must be coping with it, & no one stops to think that maybe I'M NOT!!!!!!